By Linda
(originally published in the January issue of Virginia Homeschoolers Newsletter)
Do you ever have one of those “aha!” moments - just when you really need it? Well, that is what happened to me the other day. After several weeks of having “discussions” with a close family member as to the reasons for home schooling versus public or private school, I had almost convinced myself that perhaps I was cheating my youngest daughter out of some special experiences. After all, she is a very social person. She does not have any special needs with respect to learning and in fact I actually think she is one of those kids who could learn well in a school setting. She enjoys competition, works for rewards (good grief, where did that come from??), enjoys structure to her environment (schedules and plans), does not get phased by evaluations (pretty much takes them in stride), and other such characteristics that would serve her well in a traditional school setting.
These discussions with this family member came at a stressful time for me personally. Feeling somewhat overwhelmed with other family issues, the thought has crossed my mind more than once that . . . if she was in school, it would free my time and thoughts to attend to other matters. Well, in theory anyway - I have been there - done that - and I know that it really means changing one kind of responsibility and worries for another, but we won’t go there in this article. The feeling of constantly juggling all the various demands on my time and energy has begun to wear me down. Maybe just one year of public school would give me a break, and let me regroup. I mean, after all, I have been home schooling for fourteen years.
Now, not to mislead you, we are very eclectic unschoolers. It is not that I sit with her for six hours a day teaching and doing school work. Quite the opposite. We have a very relaxed approach - with the main strategy being activities and events. But as you know, activities and events means traveling and often other commitments. To Reston, to Gainesville, to DC, to Alexandria. Ok, you get the picture. And then there is the fact that my youngest is 9 going on 21. Yes, she is one of those kids who can not WAIT until she is old enough to date, drive a car, wear makeup, get her ears pierced, have her own apartment. Once again, you get the picture. All of this translates to a child who does not really like to be taught - she expects to know everything or be able to do everything right the first time every time. So, maybe one year of public school would give us both a break.
I had almost convinced myself.
And then.
We participated in the filming of a public access television program about children and humor. This program featured an expert whose area of expertise is what makes people laugh and the importance of laughter in our lives. The program was arranged such that there was an interview with this expert first, and then they would take a break, she would chat with the kids about what they would be doing (off-camera) and then they would start filming again and would present what makes them laugh through activities. There were seven children ranging in age from 7 to 11; one boy, six girls. Three were homeschoolers, four attended a private school. As we waited for our time slot, I noted the difference in the behavior and interaction of the seven kids.
We were the first to arrive. The second group to arrive was the four private school girls. Upon arriving, the four gave a quick ‘look-over’ of my daughter and immediately went into the changing room - without saying hi, smiling, or even acknowledging our presence other than the glance they gave us. We, on the other hand had said hello and smiled at them. The mom who brought this group came over to talk to me about the program. Meanwhile, my daughter, not put off by being ignored, went to join the others in the dressing room. Eventually they came out, and she was being received fairly well, but with some caution. Then the third group came, another home schooling family. They immediately came over, introduced themselves; the kids said hello both to me and the other kids who were already there. I made a mental note of how the home schooled kids were more open to just chatting, meeting new people and being friendly, than the private school kids. But then, I thought, well, perhaps it is just a personality issue, and the four girls did know each other and came together.
Eventually the kids all were talking about their excitement of being in this program and being on TV. They were invited into the control booth to see the behind the scenes management of the filming process. Finally, it was time to meet the expert and begin their part. From the control booth I was able to watch as the expert explained to the kids about various antics and games that they would do for the camera. She was very relaxed and the kids were relaxed. They were having a good time, laughing and talking and sharing thoughts; all of them standing around listening and interacting with the expert and each other. And then something very interesting happened. As soon as the production crew said they were ready to film, the expert, changed from her very relaxed, informal arrangement. She instructed the children to sit on the floor, while she sat above them in a chair. They were in a semi-circle facing her; a kind of traditional teacher/class arrangement. Instead of the previous interactive discussion, she began with a series of statements and questions, a kind of mini-lecture and question format of traditional education. I was surprised at how ‘untouchable’ and separate she appeared as compared to what had happened off-camera. I mean, I knew that it happens, but to see the comparison so dramatically and immediately was interesting.
Then came the big “aha!” moment. She began instructing the kids to do and say certain things, supposedly to be humorous. As she went through this process, the kids looked at her with some disbelief on their faces. It was apparent that none of them really thought what she was doing was funny. Somehow what she was doing on-camera was different than what they had done off-camera. But they knew that it was supposed to be funny and demonstrate humor. The kids from the private school did everything she asked - they even laughed on cue. My daughter, on the other hand, did not. And neither did the other two home schooled kids. Much to my embarrassment, my daughter, who was center stage, made it very clear by her actions (or lack thereof) and facial expressions that nothing this expert was doing was funny or was something in which she wanted to participate. At one point she actually refused a direct request (on camera of course). Those in the control room were getting a big kick out of it. The other two home schooled kids did a variation of my daughter’s behavior - they adapted the request, but did something. Finally, at the end of the program, the expert made one last attempt to get the kids to show her the kinds of things that they were doing before filming started. At this point my daughter took the initiative to make a point about what brings happiness and laughter into her life: her mom and family! After this - the other kids jumped in and began to excitedly tell similar stories. Here was what this expert was really after. This is what she wanted to show. And as the kids all began talking and sharing at once - but the filming time was over and the film crew stopped filming. The kids did not know or care - they continued to explain and share. It was such a shame that all that good stuff before and after filming was missed!
On our way home, my daughter did not have much to say. Finally, she told me that she was disappointed with the experience. She thought it would be very different. I asked her why she did not just cooperate with the expert when she asked the kids to do the various antics. She looked at me incredulously, and said: “Are you kidding? She wanted us to do stupid things! It was not even funny. I don’t do stupid things for anybody! I can’t believe the other kids did it.”
Now, this kid of mine is not a prissy girl. She is the first to put on a funny face and do ridiculous antics to get a laugh. She would definitely be the class clown - just because she likes to make people laugh. But she knew the difference between forced and spontaneous antics. So did the other kids. But they were told to perform - and they did.
So, it made me think. What do I really want for my kids? Do I want them to be sheep, herded along with the crowd, letting someone else determine everything for them? Or do I want them to be independent thinkers? Able and willing to make the difficult choice. To say no, even when others may laugh at them, or shun them for those decisions. Oh, it is an easy question when we think of things like alcohol, drugs, smoking, etc. But what about in cases like this, where no one would have been hurt by her going along with the crowd? After all, most of our daily decisions are like this, they are not life or health threatening. They are just “doing whatever others are doing to fit in”.
Oh, I already know the answer to this question. Yes, this is what it is all about. It is all those little ‘just fitting in’ decisions we make that prepare us for the big ones. It gives us the strength to say “no” to the big temptations of fitting in. So, what does this have to do with homeschooling? Not that one can’t be a free thinker in public or private school, because, well, there are many of us homeschooling parents on this list, products of public and private school who do just that! But, as for giving kids the maximum opportunity to build their defenses, to be who they are without constant bombardment of “fitting in” or conforming, nothing can compare to homeschooling. Not that they don’t still have plenty of exposure to peer pressure or conforming expectations, it is just more varied in both environment and source.
As for my decision, I don’t know if I will ever break down and send her to school. I don’t think it would do any permanent damage for her to attend school for a year or two, or even more. But if I ever do decide to send her to school, I am sure that it is not for the reason of her missing out on something. I feel much better with this re-discovery, as I now feel confident that should she ever have to attend school, that this time she has had homeschooling is providing a strong foundation that won’t be broken.
Linda, is a multi-tasking (translation: crazy) mom of three, homeschooling since 1992, world traveler, dreamer, writer (baker, chef and bottlewasher).
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